What Will I Say? (A poem from a nurse)

What Will I Say? 

(by Linda Sawley in UK Nursing Times, 1988)

I won't say I know how you feel - because I don't.
I've lost parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends. But I've never lost a child. I came close, once. I had a miscarriage, but it's not the same. So how can I say I know how you feel?

I won't say you'll get over it - because you won't.
Life will have to go on. The washing, the ironing, the cooking, the cleaning, the common round. These chores will take your mind off your loved one, but the hurt will still be there. A small corner of your heart will grieve forever. Life carries on, but it will never be quite the same.

I won't say "Never mind, your other children will be a comfort to you" - because they may not be.
Many mothers I've talked to say that they easily lose their temper with their remaining children. Some even feel resentful that they're alive and healthy, when the other child is not. Children can be cruel too. They may not understand death.

I won't say "Never mind, you're young enough to have another baby" - because that won't help.
A new baby cannot replace the one you've lost. A new baby will fill your hours, keep you busy, and give you sleepless nights. But it will not be the one you've lost. And you mustn't try to pretend it will.

You may hear all these and other platitudes from your friends and relatives. They think they are helping. They don't know what else to say. You will find out who are your true friends at this time. Many will avoid you because they can't face you. They'll cross the road to avoid talking to you. Others will make the effort to talk to you. They'll talk about the weather, the holidays, the school concert, but never about your child - never about you and how you are coping.

So what will I say?
I will say I'm here. I care. Any time. Anywhere.

I'll cry with you if need be.
I'll talk about your loved one.
I won't mind how long you grieve.
I won't tell you to pull yourself together.
I'll sit with you during birthdays and anniversaries.

No, I don't know how you feel - but with sharing perhaps I will learn a little of what you are going through. And perhaps you will feel comfortable with me, and find your burden has eased.

Try me.