Thursday, December 12, 2013

Time heals... does it? (Dez)

It has been a while since we last posted. We have been very busy this month and a half.

My wife has been busy with tail end of work before holiday, cleaning the house and squeezing in a short trip with her best friend (thanks so much for takin care of her! I know I can trust you :D)

I have been busy in my new work place. Because it's the year end, there has been lotsa social functions, which I have been attending pretty much on a weekly basis.

On top of that, we hosted 2 youths from an overseas exchange program. While it was only a 2 night stay, me and my wife spend about a week researching the itinerary, typing it out and doing our recce. The 2 male youths were from Philippines and Vietnam... maybe because they are guys, so they don't really know how to express themselves; there was a lack of connection. But I am glad we stayed for the ribbon farewell ceremony, as it is really quite a spectacle. Thank God that the weather clear and we were able to participate in the ribbon farewell ceremony.

I have also started some preparation for the social outreach ministry for my church. Me and my wife have also signed up for caroling practice.

In short, we have been very busy.
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It's been slightly more than 6 months since Charlene return to heaven.

Some people may think it is long enough for us to recover from our grief... I would certainly think so myself 4 years ago, thinking that it would take about half a year for someone to get back to normalcy after grieving process.

Outwardly it seems that all is well for us.

But our inner emotions stir at times.

And our tears will roll down uncontrollably.

I was singing 突然好想你 May Day in KTV, and the wave of emotions hit me...hard. I just cried and sobbed in front of my wife. Luckily it was only her; I would have scared all my friends if my other friends were around.

Will we ever "get over" it? I think that is such a poor phrase to use for grieving... I don't want to "get over" it, as if I'm throwing away an old piece of furniture.

Instead I want to change my world perspective, change my behavior, change my life... Because I want Charlene's life to be meaningful, and hence I want her life to, at the very least, make an impact in *my* life.

Sometimes I forget, and revert back to the old way of doing things. It's a constant struggle. But I can rely on the Holy Spirit to strengthen me. It's a strong, concrete experience. Because I was busy I stopped reading the bible and prayed minimally. But when I forced myself to resume the habits, God strengthen me... Praise be to God!

I am not sure how many of you are still reading it, and I don't blame you....It has been such a long time since we updated the blog. But I promised myself that the blog is not written solely for others... It's also written for ourselves, that we can write down our thoughts and feelings regarding about Charlene's life. And I would keep it that way, for as long as I could.
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What is the meaning of life?

This existential question keeps popping up in my head.

And my answer now is still the same one as I spoke about on the last eulogy for Charlene's funeral.

Through Heaven's eyes.

My faith in God, my trust in God, is something that sustains me during the period of grieving. The belief that God has use Charlene mightily for His plans, and will use me and my wife mightily for His plans gives me a firm foundation to lead my life after Charlene's passing. I trust that her life has not been lived in vain. Because God has guided her life in the way He plans it.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Bold Faith (Dez)

The Upper Room, 18 Oct

"Faith is not for the faint-hearted. We are asked to take a journey, without necessarily knowing where we are going or what might be coming toward us. We are not given a map; rather, we are asked to trust that we are going someplace good. "
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It can be difficult to lead our earthly lives with so much uncertainty. People die, circumstances change, plans go haywire. Fortunately for us Christians, we have our eternal Lord to rely on. And having experienced Him, through Charlene, in various manners, we can be certain of His love and faithfulness.

Proverbs 3:5. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Five loaves and two fishes (Dez)

Me and my wife separately read the same passage of the Upper Room on the same day. Coincidentally, the article was written by a Singaporean.

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From the Upper Room, 10 Oct entry, written by Julie Sim

"We come as we are, sometimes lost, sometimes discouraged, and sometimes discouraged, and sometimes having little faith. But as long as we are willing to give all that we have, God will do the rest. As long as we are willing to surrender them completely, God will multiply what faith and talents we have to equip us with more than we need to bless those around us."

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The upper room message reminded me of the song by Corrine May titled 5 loaves and 2 fishes.

The song  described the event which Jesus fed 5 thousands with 5 loaves and 2 fishes. The 5 loaves and 2 fishes were given by a little boy, and Jesus used what little that was given to perform a miracle.

One of the stanza goes:

I often think about that boy, when I'm feeling small.
And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all.
But every single tear I cried is a diamond in His hand,
And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer.


So I'll give you every breadth that I have,
Oh God, You can work miracles,
All that you need is my "Amen"


You can read the full lyrics here.

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/c/corrinne+may/five+loaves+and+two+fishes_20758906.html

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We think God is telling us that we shouldn't worry about how much we have to give, because He will multiply whatever we have, to bless others greatly.

Indeed, we often worried whether we are doing God's work enough. Our cell leader told us that the root word of "serving" God was actually referring to "walking along side God". If our walk with Him is good enough, we will be serving him willingly and unconsciously.

(EDIT: for the second last paragraph, it ought to read "shouldn't worry". Have changed it.)

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Birthday

Today would have been Charlene 4th birthday.

It's funny how we "celebrate" her birthday when she's no longer around... but it feel like the right thing to do. We went to the niche straight after lunch. We didn't know what we would be doing there, so we just bought a balloon so that we can place it beside her photo.

----------------------------------------------------
Balloon was a gift that Charlene received often during 3 of her birthday parties. Big ones, or small ones.... We were never sure whether she can see them, but we often tie the balloon to her bed, so that it wobble around her. We remember the big balloon that Rusyini and Thomas bought for her 2nd birthday party at our church cell.

That birthday party was something that Charlene was really happy about... she was positively smiling and glowing throughout the session. She enjoys being around with people, she would listen to people talk and be very gossipy.

We are glad that we spent the effort and energy to organise the birthday parties for her. It was always difficult to plan the birthday parties, because there are planning considerations. We frequently wonder the purpose of the parties... will Charlene like it? Will she be tired out by the events? Who should we invite? Will we enjoy the events?

Looking back, some of the Charlene's best moments were at those birthday parties... where people gathered specially to celebrate God's gift to us. We thank our friends from our churches, university and Rainbow who took time to come and celebrate the event with us.

Those were precious memories.

We missed her.
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We stood by the niche quietly. Both of us didn't say much, except for the occasional tears. Finally, we prayed in front of the niche. The prayer goes something like this:

"Father, we thank You for giving Charlene to us, so that we were parents to this special girl. We are thankful for the lessons we learned through her, the little joyous moments that we shared with her and the people around her, and even the occasional painful and anxious moments... all these moments define our life with Charlene. Lord, we thank you that she is with you in heaven, and that she's in a happier and better place. We pray that You give us the strength to continue down the path You have set for us, and to give us the wisdom to know what to do with our lives. So that both You and Charlene will be proud of us. Amen."

We went home and have a typical Sunday afternoon. Though we still cry and miss our precious girl, we will continue moving forward by the strength of God.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Called to be the light of the world

Philippians 2: 12-18

As I read this, I found a sermon online titled "Called to be the light of the world"

We have a 4-fold call or responsibility to light.
  1. Call to come to the light
  2. Receive the light
  3. Walk in the light 
  4. Reflect the light (which is what Philippians 2:12-18 was telling us to do) 
The sermon also has quotes which I liked.... 

Our lives should be live that reflect something different than what the world has, because quite simply we have something that the world does not have, Jesus. 

The call can be summarized this way: 
If you in the darkness come to the light. If you are saved, make a difference in the darkness. 

Special children are born to special people

A friend sent me a link to this article at Mr Brown's blog and today I saw it in yahoo newsroom. (strangers-at-s-pore-cafe-pay-for-family-child-who-has-autism).

It is heartwarming. Also, in my opinion it does seem that there is an increase in awareness of the special needs community through the collective efforts of many different organisations, schools etc.

Some of the events that I remember are:-

1. Rainbow School's annual carnival last Sat.

2. Coming up this weekend, St John St Mary's church is having the first Awareness Weekend on special needs.

Dates: 19 & 20 Oct
Time: Sat 5pm, Sun 815 & 1115am
For those bringing special needs children, Sat's service is designed to cater to the special needs children.

3. On 15 Nov, there will also be a performance put together by volunteers for the special needs children to enjoy and also for fundraising.

4. And thanks to kind souls, this year Christmas party for the special needs children that I know (in support group) have already been paid for (the location, the food, the presents).

Keep it up Singapore!
Who say we are the least emotional nation in the world?

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Journey of Faith (Dez)

This devotional para describes Nathan's stewards' and our journey of faith succintly.

When the problems and pains of life challenge our faith, we pray that God will bring us the relief we desire. And may our faith increases so that we can declare "Even if God doesn't answer the way I would prefer, my faith is in my God." (quoted from Upper Room Oct 3rd)

Stewards of Nathan

Dez and I have arranged to meet up with Nathan's parents. Nathan went to heaven in July; he was only 131 days old.

I have kept in contact with Nathan's mum through whatsapp, praying for them and sending words of support. We know it must be tough for them... we have been through similar situation before (not the same situation, as their Nathan was much younger than Charlene, and the pain that they felt would be very different from us).

We met at 3pm and chatted for about 2 hours. The two families shared our journeys of faith - the hurtful and insensitive words we have heard, the trials we have endured, the lessons we have learnt... it wasn't deliberate sharing, we just talked whatever that came to our mind. But through the snippets of conversation, it was clear that our journeys were similar.

It was obvious that they still missed Nathan. Dez and I still missed Charlene too, and we cried occasionally as we think of her.

Amazingly, Nathan's parents came to the same conclusions as we had. Little children belong to God, and as parents, we are merely stewards of the children for their earthly time. When Nathan and Charlene went back to heaven, they returned back to the Heavenly Father. We did not "lose" them, as we are only stewards on behalf of our Father.

All of us agree that this realisation of truth helps cushion the pain.

We hope to continue to keep in contact with Nathan's stewards... and we will pray that God bless them richly with health, peace and love.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Car and Child (Dez)

I am moving to a new work place, which is a considerable distance from my home. A lot of my colleagues encouraged me to consider buying a car.

While I am seriously considering that option, I am also reluctant to spend a large part of my savings on a car. I explained to them that while my wife is working now, we are still thinking of whether we want to have a child.

If we do have a child, my wife would stop working to take care of the child.

When I said that, many people blurted out, "But why?"

I find it very difficult to explain to people that if we do become parents, we want to focus our time on our child. I personally think that it's fair that my wife will be able to spend quality time with our child, instead of getting her to work at the same time.

Considering that she gave up her work for 3.5 years for Charlene, we both agree that she would love it to take care of a child herself, if we give ourselves a second chance.

How do I explain it to people that we would want to make up for time for a lost child? In fact, if I have the financial capability, I would want to stay home and help too.

Having said all that, the car and the child is not a mutually exclusive decision. We can still have a car and a child; only our finances will be hurt.

But we trust in God to provide for us, which He has always done so. Praise God for His providence!

Project Soar

Recycled milk bottles transformed!


A meaningful event where special needs children made these wonderful art pieces from recycled milk bottles. I liked what the organiser Khor said very much. The milk bottles are supposed to be thrown away but with effort they were transformed into beautiful art pieces. Similarly, special needs children may look useless but there is the potential within each of them! Let us believe in them and help create a more accepting society for them.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Save neira

A 3.5 month old baby is found with THREE tumors.

http://saveneira.wordpress.com/2013/09/21/your-help-is-appreciated/

One of the special needs parents went down to the hospital, and verified the case. So this is a future true case.

Let's pray for neira, for recovery and successful operations.

Stanley

Stanley, one of the most respected lay-leader in our church, passed away on Fri morning. He has been battling cancer for the past few years. He was only 51 years-old.

Me and Dez had only known him for a very short time. When we joined church, we were unable to be engaged in the church activities due to Charlene's condition. After we became more active in church activities, Uncle Stanley had to stepped down from his worship and youth ministry work due to the chemo, and we didn't have many opportunities to interact with him.

The greatest impression we had about him is the immense energy he exhibited during the worship that he leads. He is always bursting with joy as he give praise to the Lord.

His eulogies were given by his former girl's brigade mentee, his 2 nieces and his cell leader. From all accounts, he has been a faithful servant, giving all his best in the ministry work, and changing lives through his passion and Christ-centred life.

The impact he had on those Boys Brigade and Girls Brigade youth is visible from their tears and sorrow.

To me, Stanley's life can be summed up by one of my fave verse. He "live such good lives...they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us" (1 Pet 2:12). Indeed, he's a role model for our church members.

It's unfortunate that we didn't have the chance to know him better.... Correction, it *is fortunate* that we have a chance to talk to him and visit him. Stanley spoke to Dez during the church camp, and his words prompted Dez to release the grief of Charlene's passing away.

Death is inevitable. But for us Christians, we have the hope that we will all gather in heaven, under the throne of our Lord Jesus Christ. Until then, we take heart that Charlene can say hi to Uncle Stanley for us in heaven.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Faith and Reason (Dez)

One thing that scares and worries me, is the tendency for youths to dichotomize faith and reason. I have seen youths declaring that "those who believe in God are irrational and stupid!".

A theologian professor, Arthur McGrath, talks about his personal experience: "On several occasions I've been earnestly told by New Atheist foot soldiers that I have no business being a professor in a leading British university. After all, they inform me, I believe in God and am therefore stupid, evil and mentally unstable. I ought to be locked up for the public good."

The dichotomy between faith and reason is not as clear cut as the new atheists like to think. All reason requires some basic assumptions, which the assumptions are accepted "by faith". All good faith should examined the evidences, so that the faith becomes stronger.

An atheist philosopher Keith M. Pardons commented that 'a dichotomy between faith and evidence is grossly simplistic. Faith need not be blind and science is not always quite as evidence-driven as simplistic stereotypes imply.'

J.P. Moreland explains the relationship between faith and reason clearly:
"The essence of faith - biblical or otherwise - is confidence or trust, and one can have faith in a thing (such as a chair) or person (such as a parent, the president, or God), and one can have faith in the truth of a proposition...

When trust is directed towards a person/ thing, it is called 'faith in'; when it is directed towards the truth of a proposition, it is called 'faith that'...

It is a great misunderstanding of faith to oppose it to reason or knowledge. Nothing could be further from the truth. In actual fact, faith - confidence, trust - is rooted in knowledge. "

Moreland concluded that faith is 'a trust in and commitment to what we have reason to believe is true'.

I believe it's important for us to examine our faith, and to have a ready testimony to share with others WHY we believe in Jesus Christ. Explain to people, youths or adults, that there is a rational basis why we are Christians.

One of my fave verse: 1 Pet 3:15. "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect"

* Note: the quotes are obtained from this book "C.S. Lewis vs the New Atheists", written by Peter S. Williams. A very good book, with lots of resources and references. Recommended to those apologetics at heart (like me ^_^v)

Sunday, September 8, 2013

2.4 Hours (Dez)

This is a daily devotional (4 Sep) from the Upper Room.

I found it very thought provoking and decided to put it up.

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Many people are sticklers about tithing a tenth of their income, but tithing includes more than just our money. Sometimes, when it comes to time, we aren't so generous in giving to the Lord.

A tenth of our day is just under two an a half hours - 2.4 to be exact.

When we think of all the things we already cram into our day, it may seem impossible to give that much time to God. The good news is that our tithe of time doesn't have to be spent all at once. We can give more time on weekends, if necessary. We can do a variety of things as we tithe our time to God each day: study the Bible, pray for others, call someone, send an encouraging e-mail, send a card to brighten someone's day, fix a meal for the sick, visit the housebound, bake cookies for a neighbor, be a mentor to a young person who doesn't have both parents, bring groceries to a needy family, take a depressed friend out for coffee, or listen to a friend unload his problems.

Once these activities becomes habits, we might be surprised to find that a tenth of our day just isn't enough time to serve God.
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Reflections questions:

-read Deuteronomy 14:22-28. In this passage, what is the purpose of the tithe? How are tithes used? How does this passage change or support your understand of tithing?
- Name some ways you already contributed towards "tithing your time."
Did the author's list bring other ways to mind?

Nick Vujcic

Nick Vujcic is in Singapore to give a speech. For those who don't know him, he is known as the motivational speaker who was born without hands and legs.

Despite his physical limitations, he was able to live life without limits. He can play golf, soccer and he has scuba dive, swim, horse ride, surf (surfing real waves) and sky dive! In Singapore, he went to the RWS sea aquarium and and swam with the sharks.

But more than his achievements, it's his positive attitude towards life that inspires people. He has a huge charming smile, full of confidence. He joked about his lack of limbs, defusing the situation. You really have to google him and watch his video to see how amazing he is.

Knowing that he was coming to Singapore, we bought the tickets on the first night. Being cheapos, we bought the cheapest tickets at $33 each. We later found out that all 5000 tickets were sold in 5 days. The most expensive was sold at $148, if I remember correctly.

The venue was at The Star, the Building besides buona vista mrt. The hall was amazing, being able to accommodate 5000 people. The building was also well designed, with a lot of considerations about the crowd traffic. I didn't have to queue for toilet after the event as there were so many cubicles!

Hearing Nick Vujcic, allows us to catch a glimpse of him as an individual. We know his story well as we bought the books. But nothing beats seeing the actual person and seeing him recounting his stories, and how his faith saved him.

One quote which we remembered clearly is: "The strength we have today was build on the pain of yesterday". Indeed, we have been through much trials... But we know that God is with us. This knowledge allows us to be reassured that these trials won't beat us down, and we can be a stronger person to do God's will.

There was an extremely short Q&A session where someone asked about how to motivate a youth who has lost interest in studying. Nick answered that the current youth generation believes in YOLO (you-only-live-once). With that YOLO attitude, they then only prioritise on enjoying themselves. School, to them becomes only a burden as they see no point in studying when everyone dies. He then suggest that youths need to realize how much they have, and how much they can contribute to the less fortunate (orphans, cancer patients, etc). A lot of times, he has seen youths being inspired by those less fortunate as they fight hard in their life.

Though he did talk very little about his Christian faith, we could tell that his faith in God prompted him to answer the question in that manner. As we Christians believe in a greater Being, a greater Purpose, we want to live life in accordance to God's will. Knowing that life has meaning can change our perspective towards our trials and tribulations.

In the final section, the host invited Jason Chee (the navy personnel who lost his legs and left hand in an accident) and Aisha (an ex SEA games medalist who lost all her limbs due to infection). I think that they intended to give the 2 Singaporeans hope for a better future through nick as a role model.

God has shown us how He can use a man without limbs mightily, to inspire millions of people. Praise be to God!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

White Manta - Special Needs children cruise (Dez)

31st August was a special day for me and my wife.

We were invited to go on a cruise. A specially booked cruise, by one of the special needs mum, Sam, for a afternoon outing for special needs children family.

As we indicated our interest late, we almost didn't make it for the cruise. I was also rushing out some work over the weekend, and was considering not to go.

Fortunately, I decided to make the effort. It was a very pleasant journey. Me and my wife agreed that it's probably once in a life-time experience, for us middle-income family, to be able to on a private cruise ship, White Manta.



If I remembered correctly, 10 families went for the gathering. This was my first time meeting many of those families. All (except us) brought their kids along for the event.

I volunteered to be the camera-man, and I went around snapping pictures with my wife's new camera phone HTC One and some mummy's compact camera. Thank God for my wife's new HTC one cos the pictures turn out very nice! The pictures in this blog were all taken by HTC one. Will need to download it and send to Sam...

The cruise ship was huge, with 3 decks. The top deck was like an open-top bus, but much bigger. You can see part of the top deck, on the photo on the left. There are many lounge chairs around, and benches at the side.

The middle deck was where we hang out, with a nice air-conditioned cabin. I don't have the pictures of the cabin on the HTC one, as those were taken by the compact camera.

One of the highlight of the day was the release of balloons. One family actually brought a helium tank so that we can fill up the balloons. All the families then wrote down the blessings and wishes on the balloons. We then released the balloons and see it rise into the air... Of course, as Christians, we believe our prayers are heard by Jesus anywhere. Nonetheless, the symbolic act of seeing the balloons rising up... was very therapeutic.

The kids have a fun time running around on the top deck, playing with the balloons and enjoying the sea breeze. The families also prepared some games, in which the children need to burst the balloons, perform some tasks and get some prizes. You can see the families generally enjoying themselves. The organiser was also thoughtful enough to get a nurse on board of the ship, so that the special needs family can have a peace of mind.

Dinner was served by the cruise crew. Apparently they have a kitchen on the lower deck, and they served delicious fried chicken wings, satay, bee hoon, apple pie among others. The families also brought food, with a chef father bringing delicious sandwiches (which I chomped down before dinner since i was sooo hungry).

We brought 2x bottles of moscato and went around pouring wine for others. Many of us also chit-chatted, though mostly we were just enjoying the scenery and the sea breeze. Or maybe it's just me, cos i was going around snapping pictures of everyone.

At the end of the day, the cruise ship director/ CEO/ boss made a short speech. He felt that God has planned for all this cruise to happen, as many coincidences happened. Normally the cruise was fully booked, but just the weekend, they were unable to get sufficient clients. Normally, he would be overseas, but somehow or rather, he was available locally. Normally, he do not need to be present on the ship, but the main coordinator went on leave, and he have to take over. He gave a prayer to all the families present, praying for God's healing and strength for all of us.

Tears were rolling down me and my wife's eyes when he prayed. Not specifically because of the prayer, but because we felt that the guy was really genuine in his speech, and that he felt blessed seeing the special needs family, and he saw strength and resilience in us. We sense the sincerity in his speech.


We thank God for the special day that we have as a community of special needs kids. I am reminded of Charlene when I see the kids. Their struggles, their progress, their smiles, their strength.... They remind me of Charlene.

Though I get teary eyed when I'm with this community, I would not want to be cut off from them. It is through Charlene that we know them. Me and my wife understand the difficulties they are going, the pain they are enduring, and the little triumphs in their daily lives... we recognise those things and we want to affirm them.

Thank you Lord Jesus... for giving each and everyone of us the strength, and the purpose-filled lives for us to keep on walking down this journey.

One of the balloon blessings - "All families have, despite challenges, can have strength, peace and joy! Rose & family"

Saturday, August 31, 2013

I am the Child (poem)

I AM THE CHILD
                                                                                                              (Author Unknown)
I am the child who cannot talk.
You often pity me, I see it in your eyes.
You wonder how much I am aware of -- I see that as well.
I am aware of much, whether you are happy or sad or fearful,
patient or impatient, full of love and desire,
or if you are just doing your duty by me.
I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater,
for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do.

You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times.
I do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated.
I do not give you answers to your everyday questions,
responses over my well-being, sharing my needs,
or comments about the world about me.

I do not give you rewards as defined by the world's standards -- great strides in
development that you can credit yourself;
  I do not give you understanding as you know it.
What I give you is so much more valuable -- I give you instead opportunities.
Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine;
the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities;
the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible.
I drive you further than you would ever go on your own, working harder,
seeking answers to your many questions with no answers.
I am the child who cannot talk.

I am the child who cannot walk.
The world seems to pass me by.
You see the longing in my eyes to get out of this chair, to run and play like other children.
There is much you take for granted.
I want the toys on the shelf, I need to go to the bathroom, oh I've dropped my fork again.
I am dependent on you in these ways.
My gift to you is to make you more aware of your great fortune,
your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself.
Sometimes people appear not to notice me; I always notice them.
I feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright,
to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent.
I give you awareness.
I am the child who cannot walk.

I am the child who is mentally impaired.
I don't learn easily, if you judge me by the world's measuring stick,
what I do know is infinite joy in simple things.
I am not burdened as you are with the strife's and conflicts of a more complicated life.
My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child,
to teach you how much your arms around me mean, to give you love.
I give you the gift of simplicity.
I am the child who is mentally impaired.

I am the disabled child.
I am your teacher. If you allow me,
I will teach you what is really important in life.
I will give you and teach you unconditional love.
I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you.
I teach you about how precious this life is and about not taking things for granted.
I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams.
I teach you giving.
Most of all I teach you hope and faith.
I am the disabled child. 

Thursday, August 29, 2013

What do we expect out of your children? (dez)

What do you expect out of your children?

Fame, success, wealth, health?

For me, this story represents what I hope children will have.

Integrity, honesty, honor and love (for others).

Monday, August 26, 2013

What's worse?

I saw this on Facebook. Couldn't agree more.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Choosing Joy

"Do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. " - Nehemiah 8:10

From the devotional "The Upper Room", 23 Aug 13:- Choosing joy over giving in to despair mean finding delight in knowing God.This relationship gives me the strength to face my future. [B] My grief changed to celebration of how abundantly God provides for me, so abundantly that I can share with others who need helps too. [/B] (emphasis added).


Monday, August 19, 2013

The Longing (Dez)

I been reading a book about C.S Lewis, arguably one of the greatest and most influential Christian apologetic and philosopher of the twentieth century.

Below is the excerpt from a book which Lewis loved, "The Wind in the Willows".

'It's gone!' sighed the Rat, sinking back in his seat again. 'So beautiful and strange and new! Since it was to end so soon, I almost wish I never had it. For it has roused a longing in me that is pain, and nothing seems worth while but just to hear that sound once more and go on listening to it forever.'

Sometimes, that kind of emotion wells up in me as I thought about Charlene. The longing for the lost child, the lost parenthood, the lost dreams, the lost hope... and the accompanying intense pain make it seems that "I almost wish I never had it."

But me and Charlene's mummy do not believe in that, we know that that is our fickle mood trying to rationalise our pain away. Charlene is an important part of our lives. We cannot tear the memory and experience of her away from our fabric of selves; we will no longer be the same.

C.S. Lewis wrote:

"Now that I am a Christian I do have moods in which the whole thing (Christianity) looks very improbable; but when I was an atheist I had moods in which Christianity looked terribly probable... unless you teach your moods 'where to get off', you can never be a sound Christian or even a sound atheist, but just a creature dithering to and fro, with its beliefs really dependent on the weather and the state of its digestion."

"When we exhort people to Faith as a virtue, to the settled intention of continuing to believe certain thigns, we are not exhorting them to fight against reason... If we wish to be rational, not now and then, but constantly, we must pray for the gift of Faith, for the power to go on believing not in the teeth of reason, but in the teeth of lust and terror and jealousy and boredom and indifference that which reason, authority, or experience, or all three, have once delivered to us for truth."

Indeed, the Longing (with a captial L) for God's word is the protection for me and Charlene's mummy's fickle mood. The pain is real... no doubt about the pain which all parents feel about the loss of a child. But we hold on to God's word, that He loves little children, and He has good plans to all who loved Him.

I pray that our Longing of our loving God be stronger than our longing for our lost children.


Sunday, August 11, 2013

The Trauma of Being Alive

Thank you Teacher Ivane for pointing me to this article titled "The Trauma of Being Alive" published in the New York Times.

Some of the opinions expressed by the author resonated with mine.

"Grief needs to be talked about. When it is held too privately it tends to eat away at its own support."
I agree and am grateful to God that I have my husband to talk to though sometimes I also worry if my sadness will affect him. Sometimes I wonder if I should share deeply with friends because I do not know whether they can handle it. 

“Trauma never goes away completely,” “It changes perhaps, softens some with time, but never completely goes away. What makes you think you should be completely over it? 
Totally agree. I don't think I will ever forget Charlene or stop missing her. I still think of her very often. Sometimes I feel really sad that she is no longer around. But other times, I would recall fondly the times I had with my cheeky and happy Charlene.

In resisting trauma and in defending ourselves from feeling its full impact, we deprive ourselves of its truth. As a therapist, I can testify to how difficult it can be to acknowledge one’s distress and to admit one’s vulnerability. My mother’s knee-jerk reaction, “Shouldn’t I be over this by now?” is very common. There is a rush to normal in many of us that closes us off, not only to the depth of our own suffering but also, as a consequence, to the suffering of others. 

Indeed, many of us do not know how to handle grief and also to show concern and support to those around us who are grieving. Even I can go into my auto mode of wanting to sms "how are you?" which is a rhetorical question.

Thus, I really appreciate many who are keeping us in prayers and have us in your thoughts.

Mourning, however, has no timetable. Grief is not the same for everyone. And it does not always go away. The closest one can find to a consensus about it among today’s therapists is the conviction that the healthiest way to deal with trauma is to lean into it, rather than try to keep it at bay. The reflexive rush to normal is counterproductive. In the attempt to fit in, to be normal, the traumatized person (and this is most of us) feels estranged.

What we have learnt is that the pain of losing a loved one never really goes away... The individual really requires constant support from people. Often, these "people" cannot be just a single source, but it should come from various groups, be it families, friends or church friends. For Christians, the most important source of support is Jesus Christ, who have went through the human conditions and knows how we feel.

The willingness to face traumas — be they large, small, primitive or fresh — is the key to healing from them. They may never disappear in the way we think they should, but maybe they don’t need to. Trauma is an ineradicable aspect of life. We are human as a result of it, not in spite of it.

Life. Growing Old. Sickness. Death. They are part of life. Hence, so is trauma. However, for us who believes in Jesus, we have hope that Charlene, Dez and I can spend our eternal lives together with Jesus in heaven, without sickness and death. 

Indeed, this is an important source of comfort for us Christians. That all the pain and suffering we have encountered on earth is for a greater purpose, and that heaven will be our final destination.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Social Enterprise (Dez)

In my previous post, I mentioned about creating a social enterprise for special needs kids.

Today, a special needs child mum alerted us to a Straits Time article which mentioned about a social enterprise doing something similar.

Adrenalin Group of Social Enterprises is an event company that conducts a mix of corporate events, award ceremonies and family day activities. The company employs and trains those who are physically challenged, such as wheelchair users, hearing impaired as well as youths at risk.

Mr Richardo Chua, the co-founder of the company describes the company system where "the team works on a 'buddy' system where someone with special needs is guided by one who doesn't have special needs". They also train all their staffs on sign language, so they can communicate with the hearing impaired.

Adrenalin has recently conducted some high-profile functions, such as Shell's 120th anniversary dinner and dance, as well as 2012 President's Challenge.

The company turnover crossed over one million last year.

Mr Richardo often reminds his staff that, "you should see yourself as a qualified photographer or graphic designer, not a disabled one.
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Reading the success of the company gives me hope that it is definitely possible to make a social enterprise employing special needs/ disabled people successful.

The challenge is finding the right type of work for special needs kids with lower cognitive function.

The special needs mum suggested this "If a social entrepreneur can bring together all simple repetitive steps work (e.g. packing etc), they are very accurate can be employed at low(er) wage cost".

It sounds like a good idea... unfortunately, me and my wife are clueless in business :( With absolutely no experience in doing business, it is definitely not possible to make it successful.

I pray that God will help us to gather a group of people to build up such a social enterprise for special-needs kids.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Soul Food (Dez)

Today's Straits Times featured an article about a social enterprise, Soul Food Enterprise Pte Ltd.

Soul Food Enterprise is a restaurant set up by the boss Gerald Png, as he wanted his special needs daughter to have a place to work in. He realised that her daughter has an interest in cooking, so he decided to spend $60,000 (if i remember correctly) to set up the restaurant. 

The description from the Facebook page:
"It was set up as a social enterprise to train young people with special needs various cooking methods and techniques to produce high quality soups, sauces and desserts, with that hand-made, artisan taste and feel. 

The specific training we provide is with the intention to then employ them into our food production kitchen. Since we started full operation in March 2010, we have 9 trainees of which 7 have attained the basic food hygiene certification through our one-on-one approach to training and coaching."

In the interview with Straits Times, Gerald revealed that he has to spend a lot of time teaching the special needs youth to learn how to cook. Even a simple action of cutting the carrots took him a long time to teach the special needs youth.



The Facebook link to this restaurant can be found here. A review of the restaurant food can be found here.

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I am very impressed with Gerald's love for his daughter.... I can relate to the worries of parents with special needs kids. Worries about how they can integrate into the society, worries about their independence...

And now only did he set up a restaurant for his daughter, he set it up with a higher purpose, to provide sustainable employment for special needs youth.

I believe that social enterprise is the way to help those special needs youths... but right now, I have no idea what kind of social enterprise I can assist to set up.

So for those readers out there, if you have any good ideas for social enterprise to serve the special needs youths, do let me know. I will be more than eager to listen to ideas.

May God bless Soul Food Enterprise and the youths working there!

(P.S. who wants to visit the restaurant with me and my wife? :D)

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Little Angel - Jovilia

A little baby girl, Jovilia went to heaven on Thurs night/ Fri morning. She's around 10 months old.

Me and Dez went to the funeral service at Singapore Casket today. As we were the first guest, we managed to have a long chat with Jovilia's mother and grandmother.

They showed us a video which they celebrated Jovilia's 10 month old in the hospital ward. Despite under very heavy sedation (6 medications?), we can see Jovilia opened her eyes, and moving her hands and fingers in respond to the family voices.

Jovilia was definitely very happy as the family showered their unconditional love on her.

When I saw the video, I was reminded of this story that Dez read in a book. The story which Dez cried uncontrollably as he was reading it.

We heard from the mother there was a point in which Jovilia oxygen saturation dropped to zero... but she pulled through her parents rubbed her hands and talked to her.

But God has His plans for Jovilia... And He brought her back to heaven.

Why do such things happen to little children? I don't have any answers.

The only response we had is that we know, deep in our mind, heart and soul that God loves us all.

We have experience God's personal grace many times... notably during the cleansing steam retreat and during the final hours of Charlene's earthly lives.

We pray that God give Jovilia's parents strength and comfort during this difficult period of grieving.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Salt and Light (Dez)

Salt

Last Saturday, my wife cooked a pot of 'ABC' soup (potato, carrot and corn).  She was very happy with the outcome because the soup was delicious. She told me excitedly that it's how amazing the soup change for the better, with only a 1/4 teaspoon of salt...

Indeed, we have been so used to using seasonings, that we often forget that salt is the most basic seasoning. Just a pinch of salt, and it can bring out the right flavor in the soup.

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Light

Me and my wife have missed several episode's of The Joy Truck, due to our schedules. We finally managed to catch today's episode of The Joy Truck.

Today's The Joy Truck, the host and the other 'love' ambassadors visited the Singapore Association for the Deaf. They interviewed one teacher and 3 deaf students, finding out more about their lives and aspirations.

As the 3 boy students love music, the Joy Truck decided to bring in a music teacher to teach them to play music. Amazingly, the music teacher, Lily Goh, is deaf herself... but through passion and perseverance, she received formal training in music and obtained a Grade 8 in Percussion with Merit, Grade 5 in Music Theory with Distinction and a Grade 5 in Piano!

Lily Goh also co-founded a social enterprise called EOHorizons, which aims to create job opportunities for the deaf and to spread greater public awareness about the deaf.

During the interview, she said that she hopes that EOHorizons can be a light that shines a path in darkness.

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"You are the salt of the earth... You are the light of the world..." Matthew 5:13-14.

God has called us to be the salt and the light of the world. Even in difficult circumstances, a pinch of salt, and a single ray of light, can change the world around us. Our efforts may seem small, but believe that God will use us mightily for His kingdom.

I believe that this is the case for our special needs kids too. Though they are small and frail, they are *the* salt and light of the world. May God bless them and reach out to others through their strong and little body.

Thank you, our strong-little-beauty... you have changed your daddy and mummy for the better.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Rainbow

We visited Charlene's niche before we went to little Nathan's funeral service.

We bought a bookmark with the name "Charlene - A Women of the Lord", and use blue-tag to keep it in place. This way, it will be easy for people to recognise the niche.

Right now, we have the bookmark (probably more appropriate to call it a name-tag), the wind-mill and the carebear beside the niche.

The carebear was given by my 2 friends during Charlene's wake. The carebear was actually presented as a bouquet of flowers; we left the flowers there after the funeral service. Since the flowers have witted, we had removed the flowers but kept the carebear there.

We found out later that our friends chose the rainbow carebear, because they felt that Charlene was like a beautiful rainbow that braved the storm.

How appropriate that the best memories I had with Charlene was in Rainbow school.

Sometime back, Dez wrote an email letter to Rainbow Centre giving our thanks to the school. The executive director replied to the email:

"We are inspired by your positive acceptance of Charlene's passing and taking time to share your appreciation of my colleagues' care and love for her. We are touched by your advocacy for more support for EIPIC.

We will continue to do our best to make a difference in the lives of those we serve, and we are blessed to have the opportunity to work with you and Charlene. "

We pray that Rainbow school continues to have dedicated teachers to make a difference to the special needs kids. Just like how the rainbow glows after a storm, bringing smiles to those who see it, and making a lasting impact in their hearts.

We thank God that Charlene was our rainbow... though she has left us physically, the memories still brings smiles to our faces.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

131 Days (Dez)

131 days.

How much can you achieve in 131 days?

How much can a little boy achieve in 131 days?

I don't know.

But I know that God can achieve a lot through the little boy in 131 days.

Though we do not understand His plans and His will, we know that "in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him" (Rom 8:28).

May God bless the parents of little angel, Nathan.

He is indeed in a better place.

I wonder whether Charlene will greet him at the gates of heaven.

---------------------------------

Psalm 131
A song of ascents. Of David.

1 My heart is not proud, LORD,
    my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
    or things too wonderful for me.

2 But I have calmed and quieted myself,
    I am like a weaned child with its mother;
    like a weaned child I am content.

3 Israel, put your hope in the LORD
    both now and forevermore.

Little Angel - Nathan

Two and a half months ago when Charlene was in NUH, almost everyday I will see Nathan's parents outside PICU having their meals and resting. Their little boy, Nathan was diagnosed with acute liver failure when he was 1 month old.

I had only seen him once. I stood outside his room and looked at him. He was very active and alert, a handsome little boy. 

After Charlene went home to the Lord, I didn't see Nathan nor his parents anymore. I didn't even have his mum's number. Only last week when we went to NUH to visit another child, we bumped into Nathan's parents yet again. His mum told me that doctors did not perform the liver transplant for Nathan as the success rate of the transplant is low and Nathan's immune system was very weak. 

It has barely been a week... Nathan has gone home to the Lord.

In his eulogy, his mum described him as a feisty fighter, a brave little boy. Indeed, all our special needs children are so brave.

While they fight so hard to live, how are the rest of us living our lives? Let this be a reminder to us all to treasure our lives and live our lives meaningfully. 

Monday, July 15, 2013

Cherish your time

I attended a refresher course for my work and heard my colleagues said that they are so not used to getting back to work and leaving their children at childcare.

Looking back, I am really glad that despite objections, I stuck to my decision to stop work and care for Charlene full-time for 3.5 years.

We knew that children with her condition don't typically live long. Precisely because we don't know how short her life would be, we cherish each day that we have with her.

Life is not just about work. Spend time with our loved ones. Treasure them while they are still with us, or while you are still with them.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

失落沙洲 (Dez)

徐佳莹,星光大道第三届的冠军。她在比赛时唱了自创曲"失落沙洲", 得了19分的
高分。

那时Charlene在妈妈的肚子里,正是我们观看星光三的时候。我们就说希望Charlene长大
唱歌能像徐佳莹.

最近我听了失落沙洲时,就回想起徐佳莹说"她坚持要在他的专辑里收入这首歌是因
为曾经有一位孩子患绝症的母亲向她说过这首歌表达出了她的心情。"

我也有那种感受。尤其是这段:

"我不是一定要你回来 只是当又一个人看海
回头才发现你不在 留下我迂回的徘徊
我不是一定要你回来 只是当又把回忆翻开
除了你之外的空白 还有谁能来教我爱"

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(translated)

Lala, is the winner of Taiwan singing competition , third season of "One Million Star". During the competition, she sang this song 失落沙洲 (loosely translated into 'Lost Oasis') and got 19 marks out of 20.

Charlene was in mummy's tummy when we were watching the third season of the show. Both of us hope that when Charlene grew up, she can sing like Lala.

Recently, when I listened to Lost Oasis, I remembered that Lala decided to record this song into her first album, because a mother who lost her child told Lala that the song reflected her emotions.

I have the same feeling too, especially this verse:

"我不是一定要你回来 只是当又一个人看海
回头才发现你不在 留下我迂回的徘徊
我不是一定要你回来 只是当又把回忆翻开
除了你之外的空白 还有谁能来教我爱"

I don't need you to be back; but when I look at the sea alone,
And realise you are no longer here; leaving me with my reminiscence,
I don't need you to be back; but when I recall our memories,
Nothing except for the void you left; Can teach me love again.

Burden

Parents who had special needs children often heard people (relatives, strangers on the streets) tell us that our children with their limitations are "a burden". These people see the kids as a "financial burden" or "disrupting the normalcy of lives" or and "restrict parents from living life to the fullest". 

Really? Are special needs kids a burden?  If we use these people definition of 'burden', a healthy child can also be a 'burden'. 

Healthy children may not be successful in life, and may not provide a 'return-of-investment' to the parents; is the healthy child then a financial burden? Healthy children also requires the parents' time and love for nurturing, and parents often have to give up part of their life (career, personal time, social time); is the healthy child then "disrupting the normalcy of lives" and "restrict parents from living life to the fullest"?

In fact, using that kind of definition, sick and old adults are also 'burdens'.  I don't think I have to elaborate more on the difficulty of taking care of Alzheimer's patients.

What is the yard stick that you use to evaluate people's life? How do you measure the worth of a person?

Your yardstick reveal your heart.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

下一站幸福

I was watching a show下一站幸福 ep20 while ironing clothes. I found this part of the conversation meaningful.

也因为我们经历过这些事情
才然我更明白
要珍惜什么
就算我跟光希
没有经历过这些风雨
也不一定可以永远在一起
没有人可以知道下一秒
到底会发生什么事
所以只有在当下
面对我们最爱的人
做出最好的选择
尽最大的努力

What I have learnt

  • Things happen for a reason. 
  • The trials in our lives make us grow and mature and become stronger than before. 
  • There is no perfect solution to a problem. What is important is we have done our best for our loved ones. 



Saturday, July 6, 2013

Conscience (Dez)

Just after I typed the previous post, I came across this quote in my quiet time. It seems so appropriate to the post which I made so I think of posting it.

Cowardice asks the question, is it safe? 
Expediency asks the question, is it politic? 
Vanity asks the question, is it popular? 
But, conscience asks the question, is it right?
And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but one must take it because one's conscience tells one that is right. (Martin Luther King Jr)

How do we know our conscience is right? I think we have to think, reflect, seek humbly opinions from others (even though they may take a different stand from you) and to prepare a response early.

Process and Outcome (Dez)

In our society, we often focus on the outcome than the process. As the saying goes, the end justify the means.

While I don't deny the importance of outcome, I think the process should also be valued.

What do you think about the following scenarios? (let me first state that these are real-life situations that I have heard before... and those were genuine responses I heard from other people about those real-life situations)

1) A kid has been a delinquent all his life. He has rebuffed all help from his family and professional social workers. What should the teacher do?

2) Someone's mother was found to have dementia. The mother would never be able to take care of herself, and her cognition will only deteriorate. What would the person do?

3) A child was borne with a congenital disease, with no cure and treatment. No baby in the world with that disease has lived beyond the age of 6. Essentially that means that 0% survived beyond age of 6. What should the parent do?

4) Someone's spouse was found to have Stage 4 cancer. There is nothing that the doctor can do for the patient. What should the family do?

*I would not presume to know the right answer, as I do not presume to know God's will. So the answers are mine alone*

In all the 4 scenarios, it paints a situation of "no hope" in increasing order of magnitude. If someone believes that the outcome is the most important, then he would direct his effort and energy into something that is more 'productive'. Such people may have the following thoughts:
  • Why should I try to rehabilitate the delinquent when everyone else has failed?
  • Why spend my energy and time to take care of my mother, when she will only get worse with time?
  • Why spend money on therapy and medication and time on a kid who won't grow up to take care of me?
  • Why waste time caring for the spouse who's going to drag me down, when I can just pack my bags and leave?
Indeed, when someone focus entirely on the outcome, they may come to the conclusions "I can't change the outcome anyway... why bother?"

--------------------------

So why do people decided to take the "more difficult route" of:-
  • Teachers spending additional time and energy to rehabilitate the youth.
  • Sons/daughters changing their career to be able to take care of the mother with dementia.
  • Parents who gave all their money, time and love to a child who has no 'future' (defined by society).
  • Spouses who stay true to their wedding vows, and hold on to their spouses "for better or worse, in sickness and in health".
I feel that they choose the "more difficult route", because they feel that it is the right thing to do. They know that it's going to be challenging, they know that the outcome may never change... but they continue to do the right thing.

The process matters.

And for people who commit to their beliefs, know that the journey may be more important than the destination.
---------------------------

For us Christians, we know that "in all things, God works for the good of those who loves him..." (Rom 8:28). This is the assurance we have from our God. With that assurance, we have the confidence to do God's will, to do God's work. 

Not because the outcome can be changed by our Lord (as we do not know His will and His plans), but because it is what God wants us to do. 

Focus on the process, and not the outcome. Often times, I heard of Christians getting disappointed when the person they preached to did not respond in a favourable manner. And they failed to realised that they may only be the person that sows seeds, and not the person who is harvesting. 

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For those who believes that the outcome is more important... let me ask you a final question. 

No one can avoid the (physical) death. Since the outcome is inevitable, should we stop living then?


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Charlene - our bridge to others

Before we had Charlene, Dez and I knew very little about special needs children. Sure, we know the diagnosis and the implications, such as Down syndrome and autism. When we see those children on the streets, we viewed them and their parents with sympathy... but not empathy. We could never understand what the children and their parents are going through.

Charlene became our bridge to the special needs community. Three and a half years, and I have known many families with special needs children of various conditions. From the children on the school bus to the children in Rainbow School, I gained more knowledge of the behavior of autistic children, those with ADHD, those with tracheostomy. 

But still, I will not fully understand what those parents are going through. Why do I say that? Because each family experience different problems in the care for their child. It is very hard to understand the problems... even for kids with the same clinical problems, the manifestation and the management may be different between parents.

Take our family for example. Charlene was born with nothing. She was not expected to breathe on her own, not expected to have voluntary movements, not expected to be able to do anything at all. In some sense (glass half full sense), it was easier for us. Every single thing she was able to do (from her first opening of eyes, to grabbing our fingers, to sucking the pacifier, to smiling, to crying and cooing), we celebrated, we cheered, we thanked God.

In contrast, some of the special needs kids we met had been normal children... until some neurodegenerative disease hit them, and they lose their functions slowly. The loss and pain their parents had felt must have been much worse than what we have went through. We really salute the strength and the resilience of those parents, as they do their best to love their children unconditionally.

There are also children with physical disabilities (e.g. cannot walk, cannot swallow) but their cognitive ability are unaffected. But still, it is not easy for them too. It may be difficult for those children to attend mainstream schools, as the parents worried about whether their children can be accepted into the normal society. Again, we salute those parents, as they strive hard to help their children integrate into mainstream society.

There are also children with mild learning or behavior disorders who looks like any normal children. They can feed themselves, they can walk, they can talk, they can do anything you and I can do. But they have behavior issues... they may be rude,  impatient, and inconsiderate. The society may frown upon those kids, and labelled the kids as having poor upbringing. Again, we salute those parents because they have to manage  societal expectations for their kids.... they may often have to explain the kids behavior to others as they do their best to teach the kids.

Personally, I salute parents who are taking care of children with tracheostomy. I cannot imagine the heart pain of having to suction your own child so regularly and seeing your child struggle. 

What Dez and I learnt is that we can never, ever understand exactly the difficulty of taking care of each unique child. We learnt not to assume we know best for other kids... we learnt not to question other's actions. We remember that parents want the best for their children. In the case of tracheostomy, I believe that parents perform suction out of love and necessity...they want the child to breathe comfortably. They want the child to continue to live, and hence they are prepared to endure the heart pain of seeing the child struggle during suction. 

For many of us, to see our child happy and healthy is all we ask for. 

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Marriage = commitment

Extracts from the book "The Sacred Search" 


"The friendship that results from facing all seasons of life together, praying together, raising kids together, serving the Lord together, having fun, having sex, suffering heartaches and heartbreaks, overcoming setbacks and learning to deal with disappointments, growing together through all of them, creates a bond that no initial sexual attraction or romantic infatuation 
could ever hope to match."

"...within marriage, love is not an emotion; it's a policy and a commitment that we choose to keep in the harshest of circumstances. It's something that can be learned and we can grow in" (emphasis added)

Dez and I could identify with the above written statements in our own marriage. Like a lot of people, we thought we will live happily ever after, have children and watch our children go to school, get married and have grandchildren.

The first sign of a potential problem came when I was still pregnant with Charlene. We have differences in our views of raising children. I wanted to bring my child up with Christian teachings and I was concerned that my child will be infused with other religion's teachings instead. Dez insisted that it will be okay. He will send Charlene to church and all, but also allowed her to be exposed to other religions... It's his "democratic" way of dealing with such issues, so that the the child can choose for herself.

Charlene's birth was unexpected (emergency C-section) and her congenital condition and poor prognosis were more than we can handled. And in Dez's despair, he sought prayers from a Christian... and he experienced peace admist the storm. After his experience in Jesus, he made a leap of faith... not to seek healing for Charlene, but because Jesus is a living God.

From that point on, we prayed together, raised Charlene together and served the Lord together.

Because of Charlene's condition, we suffered many heartaches and heartbreaks. Not only are we unable to  see the typical developmental milestones for a baby, we also felt deserted by some people who could not accept Charlene as a special-need kid. They could not empathize with our decision of giving our best to a child who has no earthly hope for the future. And seeing Charlene struggle through her affliction was painful too. However, together with Charlene, we have also overcame many setbacks (Charlene surpassed the expectations of her doctors, she recognized the voices of familiar people, she smiled, she raised her head, she sat by herself etc). We also learnt to deal with disappointments.

In fact, I could have gone back to work after my maternity leave by hiring a maid and leaving Charlene to my in-laws and the maid. But the two of us were adamant to give Charlene the best we could because we knew her life on earth will be short. The accusations and insults we faced from others due to opinion differences (in caring for a child with no earthly hope vs pursuing our own individual happiness and staying faithful to Jesus vs seeking help from other religions) made our marriage even stronger as we stood by each other.

So indeed, love is a commitment that we choose to keep in the harshest of circumstances.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Remember Charlene is in heaven

The niche marble was ready for installation on 21 Jun 13. We chose a pink granite marble that was engraved with Charlene's name, date of birth, date of passing and a bible verse and a photograph. We made our way down to Mandai crematorium despite the haze and watched the person glued the marble to her niche.

We brought Charlene her favourite windmill (which Teacher Adeline gave to her). I used to bring her downstairs for evening walks or to coffeeshops and the windmill would distract her from the surrounding noisy environment. The bouquet of flowers with the carebear that we left after the cremation was still there, though the flowers had withered. We removed the flowers and left the carebear there.

Pastor Cynthia reminded us that Charlene is in heaven. It is a really wonderful place and she won't want to come back. So the niche serves as a remembrance for the living, and not for the dead. And as we remembered Charlene's well-lived life, we will thank God for giving her to us and should seek to live our lives to the fullest. 

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Stepping Up (Dez)

When reading through the book "The Sacred Search", I came across this short story which the author quoted from another book "Stepping Up".

It reminded me so much of Charlene last 7 hours with us. My tears couldn't stop flowing when I read through the story.

Here is the extract from the book.
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In his book Stepping up, Dennis Rainey tells the tear-drenched story of how his daughter Rebecca and her husband, Jake, gave birth to a little baby whose brain was almost gone by the time she was born. Little Molly lived just seven days, but in that one love-packed week, she received abundant care, prayers and comfort. Because both Rebecca and Jake come from strong families, two sets of grand-parents were there, praying over little Molly, reading scripture to her, and singing songs of worship along with her parents. Here's how Dennis describes Molly's final moments on earth, when they all knew she was about to die and planned their last goodbyes:

Barbara was first. It was quite a maneuver to make sure all the wires and tubes that were supporting Molly's life didn't get tangled, but finally there she was in her arms. Barbara kept saying how much of an honor it was to hold this little princess of the King. She held her close and cooed words of lover and admiration over her beautiful face. Holding back tears was impossible.

When it was Bill's turn, he stroked her face, tenderly whispered his love for her, and shared his favorite scriptures with her. Pam beamed as she gently rocked Molly and sang "Jesus Loves Me" to her. Both Bill and Pam just held her, kissing her face, holding her little hands, and weeping as they said good-bye.

As Molly was placed in my arms, she felt so warm like every newborn. I tried to sing to her, and I doubt she recognised "Jesus Loves Me" as I choked out a few words through tears.

As his own kids were growing up, Dennis used to tell stories of a fantasyland filled with "Speck people". Dennis always got one of the Speck people into a harrowing dilemma and then said "And you'll have to wait until tomorrow night to hear the rest of the story." He now frequently told these stories to his grandchildren, so Jake asked his father-in-law, Molly's grandfather, to tell her one Speck story before she died.

At first, Dennis protested - he just couldn't. But Jake and Rebecca implored him, which led to this:

I held little Molly, looked into her face, and began my story: "A Speck grandfather and his Speck granddaughter went fishing for tiny Speck fish..." My story was less than sixty seconds long, and when I looked up into Rebecca's face, she had the biggest grin, dimples and all. She was loving the moment.

As I concluded my story, I told Molly, "The Speck grandfather and Speck granddaughter took their fish and ate them, and they they encountered something you would never expect or believe... and you will have to wait until I get to heaven to hear the rest of the story.

At this point I was sobbing, but I got the words out...and Rebecca and Jake started laughing. Rebecca's laughter has always been contagious, and I, too, began to really laugh.

Losing a child is one of the most painful experiences any human can ever know. But the corporate love of four faith-filled grandparents allowed this young mom and dad to actually find laughter and hope in the face of one of life's ugliest realities.

It gets even better: with all the laughter in the room, little Molly's oxygen monitor, which had been at an anemic 80 percent, shot up to 92 percent, then 94,97,98,99 and finally, 100 (emphasis added). That tiny newborn drank in the faith and hope and laughter of her parents and grandparents. Though this was ultimately her last day on earth, I don't doubt that she died knowing she was very loved, and she is no doubt eagerly waiting in heaven to greet first her grandparents, and then her parents, who gave her such a sweet and blessed passing.

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The improved oxygen saturation of little Molly (in bold above) mirrors that of Charlene's situation. After we carried her, her saturation went up and her heart rate improved... despite the change in the ventilator to a less powerful one that would allowed us to carry her.

The short story gave me reassurance that Charlene also drank in our love and Jesus's love for her in that 7 hours.

Thank you God, for giving me and my wife so much assurances.

You give and take away; we will choose to say "Blessed be your name!"

The Sacred Search (Dez)

One of my friends asked me a question: "How do I know whether my girlfriend/ boyfriend is the right gal/guy for marriage?"

I tried to shared my experience with him/her. But I didn't think I managed to give him/her a good response.

The question was on my mind for an entire week. I spoke to my wife, and she gave me her inputs as well.

I decided to get the friend a gift. I not sure why, but I know I wanted to get a book for him/her though no title came to my mind.

And there I found the book during the church camp, when the church committee arranged for a Christian bookshop to set up a stall during lunch time. It was not the first book that I saw. I actually picked up a few books, but they didn't look appropriate, and I put them back after looking at the back cover. When I picked up "The Sacred Search", it felt *right*. The back cover wasn't very informative, but the caption at the front page caught my attention.

"What if it's not about who you marry, but why?"
(Note: The caption can be interpreted in the wrong way, and be skipping the issue. But rest assured, the question and answer starts the book at the right footing. It forms the thread of thought that spans across the book.)

I passed the book to my wife to ask for her opinion, and surprisingly, she gave the book a few glances and she nodded her head. She usually has little to say about books, and she is honest enough to give a shrug when she doesn't have any opinions. So to get a resounding yes from her confirms my choice.

So I bought the book, intending to give it to my friend as a present. Not knowing whether he/she is a book person, i decided to browse through the first few chapters of the book, to digest the central theme, so that maybe i can guide him/her through.

I ended up blazing through the book, from cover to cover, within a single night. It's a damn good book! I couldn't put it down and I just have to finish it.

I won't do the book justice by trying to give a review. I recommend all Christian singles/couples to take a read.

It is not that suitable for non-Christians, because the book was written for Christians in mind, and some non-Christians may have difficulty assimilating the points put forth by the book. As someone who has been a non-Christian in a relationship with a Christian, I can understand what some non-Christian may feel. However, I think it has application values even to non-Christians too.

Friends, if you read the book and wants to talk about it, contact me, heheh... I think i will enjoy the discussion. If you want to borrow the book, let me know too (cos I intend to buy another copy for myself! :P)

16 to 19 Jun (Church camp)

We went with YMM to the church camp at Port Dickson, Malaysia.

It was a great camp. We were greatly blessed during the camp. Praise the Lord!

We will consolidate our thoughts for the camp before we blog it.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Lift

Just last week, I finished a book "Heaven is for real". The book shared about a boy's testimony of seeing heaven when he was 3.5 years old. Over many conversations for a few years, his parents slowly discovered the things that their son has seen and experienced in heaven.

One of the conversations the boy and his Dad had went like this: 

"Did you have wings?" I (the Dad) asked. 
"Yeah, but mine weren't very big." He looked a little glum when he said this. 
"Okay... did you walk places or did you fly?"
"We flew. Well, all except for Jesus. He was the only one in heaven who didn't have wings. Jesus just went up and down like an elevator." 

The book of Acts flashed into my head, the scene of Jesus' ascension, when Jesus told the disciples that they would be his witnesses, that they would tell people all over the world about him. After he said this, the Scripture says, Jesus "was taken up before their very eyes, and a cloud hid him from their sight. They were looking intently up into the sky as he was going, when suddenly two men dressed in white stood beside them.   "Men of Galilee," they said, "why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven." 

Jesus went up. And will come down. Without wings. To a kid, that could look like an elevator. 
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This morning, my church friend shared with me about her conversation with her 4-year old daughter. The little girl loved Charlene very much and will sayang Charlene everytime she sees Charlene in church. When her mum was talking to the little girl about heaven, the little girl said that Jesus brought Charlene up to heaven like a lift. The mum 'double-checked' by asking "no wings?", and the little girl insisted there were no wings.

Do you see the amazing similarity in perspective between the boy (in the book) and the girl (my church friend's daughter)?

Elevator = Lift!

I believe that God comforts this 4-year old girl by assuring her that Jesus himself has brought Charlene up to heaven. And when my friend told her daughter that my church friend's mother had passed away, the girl  reminded her mother that they (the deceased) will see Charlene. 

Wow, the child-like faith of a 4-year old.

Thank you Jesus for once again reaffirming us that You brought Charlene up to heaven. 
    

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Love is ....

The other day I was watching a re-run of a drama 再见单人床 (Pillow Talk). There was this particular scene where a few aunties volunteered to cook some dishes for old people in an elderly home. A priest was there and was asking them what they think love is.

Their responses were found in the passage on love in the Bible:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails.  (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV)

The next scene showed the supporting actress (one of the aunties) asking the priest how could anyone achieve all that was mentioned. She said it was impossible. And the priest honestly confessed that it was difficult even though he has memorised the verses since he was 8. But he said that he had a 'formula' to help himself move closer to achieving it. So she asked him how.

And he said 我的事,我开开心心做。别人的事,我不要生气。
(Doing my own things happily and not be affected/angered by others' matters)

The priest went on to give an analogy to explain to the auntie. He asked her if anyone forced her to come and cook for the elderly. And she said no. She came voluntarily and is happy in doing so. So he said that's doing my own things happily.

Then he asked her what if one old man ate her food and disliked it and stopped eating. Who's matter/business is that? And she was slightly agitated and said of course it's my matter. He doesn't like my cooking! I cooked the whole morning and this is how he show his appreciation? The priest said the old man has the right to eat or don't eat the food. It is his choice, his matter. Why should you be angered by what he does? Also, if you expect the old man to eat your food (behave in the way you expect) in return for your cooking, then your love is conditional.

Many times, our love is conditional.

We thank God for giving Charlene to us. Through taking care of Charlene we learnt more of what unconditional love is and can better appreciate God's unconditional love for us.