We are conscientiously reading the Bible and doing our quiet time. It is important to be rooted in the Word, because it will help guard our mind and heart.
We also spent a lot of time chatting about our emotions and thoughts. The open sharing becomes a release valve. We thank God that we can support each other. The 2 of us have complementary views about issues, and our sharing helps us to have a more holistic perspective.
I also managed to read some books. Completed 2 books within these few days. It feels great to be reading books instead of playing games, as I feel my mind being broaden by reading. I feel more productive reading books than playing games.
90 Minutes in Heaven
The first book which I have completed is titled "90 minutes in Heaven" written by Don Piper. The book was lent to us by morning Deborah (we resorted to differentiating between the 2 Deborah by morning and evening, LOL).
Don Piper is a pastor who was involved in a horrific vehicular accident. His pulse stopped for 90 minutes, during which he went to heaven. The paramedics pronounced him dead when they arrived on scene, and focused on clearing the debris to facilitate the traffic flow. Another pastor who arrived on the scene later was prompted by the Holy Spirit to pray for this supposedly dead man. Don Piper came back to life after the prayers, but just barely. The remaining chapter then details on his grueling painful recovery.
Some people may be attracted to his glimpses of heaven. But for me, that was not the part of the story that interests me. The part of the story that interests me the most was the recovery process.
The painful recovery process is a testament to his faith and his reliance on God's strength. Imagine being in pain every single moment for 1 year. He was in so much pain that no amount of analgesic was able to relieve the pain; he was never able to fall asleep but was knocked out from the pain.
Throughout the recovery process, he often questioned God "Why bring me back?". It took him a long time before he understood God's purpose.
I think it will take us some time to understand God's purpose for Charlene and us. But we already are beginning to have some understanding of God's will for Charlene and us.
A Grief Observed
The second book which I have finished is written by C.S Lewis titled "A Grief Observed". The book is actually a collection of his own journal after the death of his beloved wife. In the book, you can see him searching for the meaning of his wife's death, questioning the nature of God, getting angry with God and eventually coming to terms with the wife's death.
C.S. Lewis, even in such difficult time, still remain sharp and critical in his thinking. He was also able to concisely express his grief and pain through his description.
Some of his words resonate with me:
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With regards to grief and love:
"...bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love. It follows marriage as normally as marriage follows courtship or as autumn follows summer. It is not a truncation of the process but one of its phases; not the interruption of the dance, but the next figure. We are 'taken out of ourselves' by the loved one while she is here. Then comes the tragic figure of the dance in which we must learn to be still taken out of ourselves though the bodily presence is withdrawn, to love the very Her, and not fall back to loving our past, or our memory, or our sorrow, or our relief from sorrow, or our own love."
"For, as I have discovered, passionate grief does not link us with the dead but cuts us from them... I will turn to her as often as possible in gladness. I will even salute her with a laugh. The less I mourn her the nearer I seem to her."
- Everyone dies. Some die earlier than others.
But not everyone loves or was loved. To have been given the opportunity to love Charlene is something me and mummy cherished.
I will endure the grief, because the grief is part of our love for her.
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With regards to God being silent to his pleas of grief:
"But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away... Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?"
"I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted. Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in my face? The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may just be the time when God can't give it; you are like the drowning man who can't be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice that you hoped to hear. On the other hand, 'Knock and it shall be opened.' But does knocking means hammering and kicking the door like a maniac? And there's also 'To him that hath shall be given.' After all, you must have a capacity to receive, or even omnipotence can't give. Perhaps your own passion temporarily destroys the capacity.'
- C.S. Lewis, the great apologetic, questioning the nature of God. And though he eventually finds his own answers, his original doubts over God is no less real. In fact, many have turned away from God after God 'appears' to be silent over their pleas.
If the great apologetic doubts God in his darkest moment, what more us layperson? Me and mummy have questioned God many times, like Job in the Bible.
It's beyond the scope of this post to discuss the reasons for our faith, but suffice to say that we have experienced God's presence and grace before, we know in our hearts and minds that He is a loving God.
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With regards to death and God's nature:
" 'It was too perfect to last,' so I am tempted to say of our marriage... But it could also mean 'This had reached its proper perfection. This had become what it had in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.' As if God said, 'Good; you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.' When you have learned to do quadratics and enjoys doing them you will not set them much longer. The teacher moves you on."
- This is such an amazing way of looking at God's nature. In the past few days, we wonder why God planned for Charlene's passing away to happen now. We don't have His answer, but we sensed that Charlene's life and our lives and others (whom Charlene has touched) have reached "its proper perfection". Maybe that's why Charlene returned to the Lord, as her mission on earth has been accomplished.
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With regards to grief and recovery:
"...summoned into me a past of happiness, my pre-H (referring to his wife) happiness. But the invitation seemed to me horrible... It frightens me to think that a mere going back should even be possible. For this fate would seem to be the worst of all, to reach a state in which my years of love and marriage should appear in retrospect a charming episode -- like a holiday -- that had briefly interrupted my interminable life and returned me to normal, unchanged. And then it would come to seem unreal -- something so foreign to the usual texture of my history that I could almost believe it had happened to someone else. Thus H. would die to me a second time, a worse bereavement than the first. Anything but that. (emphasis added)"
- This is my greatest fear for myself. That I will forget Charlene and revert back to my old life. Recovery from grief should not be about forgetting the person who passed away. For those friends and loved ones who asked us to distract ourselves with activities, know that this is not the best remedy.
I won't want to forget Charlene and what she has taught me in my life.
I glad that the Holy Spirit prompted me and mummy to start journaling down Charlene's life in the first weeks of her life. Most people would avoid talking about their experience when their first child was borne with such terrible congenital medical condition. I do not know why we overcome our resistance and chose to journal down our thoughts (when the 2 of us have no habit of writing a personal journal!) and to share with everyone; I can only attribute to the Holy Spirit prompting.
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