Questions
"How are you?" "Are u ok?"
I have been asked this question many times in person, via phonecall, sms and whatapp since Charlene's passing.
My standard answer is "Ya, ok"
Sometimes I will say "Thank God for His strength".
Indeed, God's grace has been sufficient for us. He has given us ample time to prepare ourselves that Charlene is going to heaven. While we never expected Charlene to pass away so soon and at the first time she caught pneumonia, a re-read of the blog posts of Charlene's first few months made me grateful for the 3.5 years that we have with her.
Charlene was not even expected to survive (the senior doctor didn't think she can even breathe on her own without the ventilator in her first 2 months). And she survived 4 Code-Blue (hospital lingo for resuscitation) in her first 3.5 months. In total, she survived 9 Code-Blue in her 3.5 years.
In these 3.5 years, we have seen her open her eyes, suck a pacifier, cry, smile, sit, roll, raise her head, respond to praises and scolding, raise her hand to say hi, swallow coca cola happily and sour things with a cringed look, kick herself down her pram, look around on bus, get upset on mrt and shopping mall and restaurant, listen attentively to worship songs and sleep the moment sermon starts etc etc...
I am grateful for the memories.
So, "Am I ok?"
Yes and No.
Yes because I am assured that Charlene is smiling and running in heaven.
No because I still miss her and think of her. The worst is I don't get to hold her in my arms anymore. Won't get to hold her little hand, kiss her forehead, sit her, roll her, play with her, mess up her hair.
Avoidance
Some friends think that by packing up Charlene's stuff and putting them away, I will not be reminded of her. I don't think avoidance is the best strategy here (By the way, I am super pro in using avoidance tactic in my life to avoid conflicts with elders). Even if I put all her things away, she is still in my memories. A bus ride, a mrt ride will remind me of her. And please don't tell me to forget it and move on. I do not intend to forget Charlene. I will remember how hard she tries in her life despite all her physical constraints and despite not being accepted by some people as she doesn't meet her developmental milestones.
On Thursday, I prayed very hard and mustered a lot of courage to step in to NUH to visit my friend's son. The hospitals (NUH & KKH) will definitely remind me of Charlene because of all the visits we spent there and both places where she suffered a lot after her birth and before her death. I should never have to step into these places ever again (if we don't have kids). But I was determined to quickly get over my fear of the hospitals. Because if I am going to be of help to parents of special needs children, hospital is the place I will visit very often. I am glad I went to visit Issac. His happy smiles brought much comfort to me. No wonder Charlene loved him the most.
I even went to the MacDonald house and left my contact for the parents whose daughter is still in Bed 4 of PICU. I wanted to help connect them to other parents who may have children of similar condition to their girl; trisomy 21.
I think the most difficult place for me to step into ever again is Rainbow School. Charlene achieved so much there and was so happy. I cannot imagine the memories that will come flooding back into my mind. Seeing her teachers, her classroom, her classmate will probably cause me to breakdown and cry. I don't know how long it will take for me to be ready to step into rainbow again.
Road Ahead
I am still on leave and waiting for a reply from HQ regarding when my leave will end. I will probably try half load first to readjust myself back to work.
We are also considering a vacation, still deciding on the destination.
With regards to having the next child, we are not closed to the idea. But there will be a lot involved. Charlene was not given a diagnosis. Doctors do not know what went wrong. We have to ensure we are in good health and have to go for genetic testing. The uncertainty and fear involved others will never understand.
I have got insensitive remarks during the wake asking us to have more children. Saying God will bless us with clever and healthy children. Even if we do have kids, they can never replace Charlene. All kids are unique and special in their parents' heart.
Charlene is so special and only those who have come alongside this journey with us will grieve for her and miss her very much like us. And Charlene knows who genuinely care for her. Thank you for loving her.
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