13 May 2013 - Tiredness

I came in to PICU at 6am and found a lot of people in the waiting area. Then I saw the parents of room 11 crying outside his room. The nurse told me he has gone and they were waiting for the porters to come and take him to the mortuary. I was so sad. I wondered if the parents got to talk to him for the last time.

The consultant in charge of PICU for the week told me that Charlene is not improving as she is still on very high machine settings and also the nitrate oxide. Worse still, Charlene has developed complications; thrombosis (blood clotting) at the areas where the previous central lines were inserted. She said that we are prolonging the inevitable and there is very little chance Charlene will survive. She advised us to consider letting Charlene go peacefully and not to attempt to doing CPR for resuscitation.

I was devastated and was upset with the consultant. I cried and told her that as parents we won't want to give in, that we know Charlene has always been very slow but strong and we should give her more time to recover.

I also said that we don't want to play God. The consultant responded "what makes you think that we are not playing God by continuing to resuscitate her?".  I was speechless and couldn't find a reply.

I called Dez in the afternoon at 3pm and told him about what the consultant told me. Dez was visibly affected and wanted to come to the hospital immediately. But because of his work commitment, he could not come down immediately.

In the evening, Daddy came to visit Charlene after work. I went to the toilet and Daddy was with Charlene alone in the room. When I returned, I was shocked to see Charlene's heart rate at 68 and Daddy standing there not doing anything. Before I could react, the doctors and nurses dashed in and the doctors came in to perform CPR. Contrary to their normal practice, the consultant instructed us to stay in the room.

A male doctor jumped on the bed and performed chest compressions on Charlene little body. The alarms were ringing, the consultant ordered for emergency drugs and the nurses dashed in and out to administered the drugs. It was a chaotic sight.

After they managed to resuscitate Charlene, the consultant asked the nurse if there was any trigger for the event as Charlene's stats (oxygen saturation and heart rate) has remained relatively stable through the day. And the nurse said no.

The consultant also asked me and Daddy whether anything happened prior to the desat. I said no while Daddy kept quiet and appeared to be in a daze mood.

After things settled down, Dez motioned me to follow him. He walked out of Charlene's ward into the empty PICU library. After we sat down, Dez broke down and cried, all the while apologising for a "lack of courage" to tell me and the consultant what actually happened.

Dez recounted that when he was alone with Charlene in the ward, he was reminded of Pastor Cynthia's words about telling Charlene that "it's ok for her to follow Jesus Christ". So Dez told Charlene that "If you are tired, you can follow Jesus Christ. You can recognise Jesus as He is the Person who gives you calm and peace. Daddy and Mummy are proud of you. Don't worry about Daddy and Mummy, you can follow Jesus Christ."

After Dez said those words, Charlene's stats steadily dropped. The heart-rate dropped from 150, 140, 130.... Dez sensed that our strong little girl is really tired, but she is clinging on for our sake. That was why when the stats dropped to the critical level (heart rate of 100 and below), Dez didn't notifiy the nurses nor the doctors.

I couldn't control my tears because I could not bear to let Charlene go. But I also knew in my heart that Charlene is tired. I was reminded of Pastor Cynthia and I suggested that we get her to pray for us, so that we know God's will for us and Charlene. Daddy wanted to call Pastor to come pray for us immediately. But I told him to wait till tomorrow and don't disturb Pastor at such a late time.