Missing Charlene

I am sure everyone knows how it feels to miss someone, be it a loved one who has passed on or that someone whom we have broken up with.

This feeling of missing will be more intense on some days than others. As I haven't had much appointments this past week, a lot of time was spent at home. And indeed, my friends have the right to worry about me staying too long at home as the things in the house will remind me of Charlene.

I wake up in the morning and see the empty cot - reminds me of Charlene sleeping face.
I see the sterilizer - reminds me of making milk, the first thing I used to do every morning .
I see the blender - reminds me of the fruit juice I blend for Charlene.
I see the slow cooker - reminds me of the porridge that I made for Charlene.
I see the family photograph - reminds me of the times that Charlene smile happily.
I see the baby carrier - reminds me of the times I carry Charlene to school.
I see the stroller - reminds me of Charlene sliding and kicking her way down.
I see the mirror - reminds me of Charlene smiling whenever I ask her "Who is the prettiest of them all?"
I see the sofa - reminds me of sitting with Charlene to play toys or when friends come to visit.
I see my bed - reminds me of Charlene sleeping in prone.
I see the gym mat - reminds me of the rolling and exercises I did with her.
I see her music toys - reminds me of her smile and reactions when she hears the sounds.

But it is not just the things in the house that will remind me of Charlene. I missed her so badly that even when I am out, other things keep reminding me of her.

I board the bus - reminds me of how I carry her up the bus and her different reactions.
I board the mrt - reminds me of the few times Charlene was on the MRT.
I see dragonfruit and kiwi - reminds me of the fruits I always feed her.
I go past shops selling baby stuff - reminds me that I can no longer buy her things
I go to church - reminds me of how she smile happily during worship
I go to cell group - reminds me of where she lies on the sofa
I come back home - reminds me that I can no longer call out "Charlene, Mummy is back!"

There are so many things I can no longer say.
"Charlene is the prettiest", "Charlene is the cleverest", "Charlene is the cutest"
"Charlene is a good girl", "Jesus loves Charlene", "Daddy, Mummy loves Charlene"
"Good afternoon", "Is your name Charlene?", "Do you want to play with drum?", "Cmon Charlene, roll here", "Lift up your head, Charlene"
"Smile Charlene", "Wait a while, Mummy making milk", "Daddy is back", "Mummy go teach Joshua kor kor tuition, come back later", "Good night, Charlene" ......................

There are so many things I can no longer do.
I can no longer carry Charlene. No longer mess up her hair. No longer grab her little hands. No longer kiss her forehead. No longer smell her. No longer teach her to kick. No longer wear clothes for her. No longer change diapers for her.

I now fully understand what it means to miss someone.