Marriage = commitment

Extracts from the book "The Sacred Search" 

"The friendship that results from facing all seasons of life together, praying together, raising kids together, serving the Lord together, having fun, having sex, suffering heartaches and heartbreaks, overcoming setbacks and learning to deal with disappointments, growing together through all of them, creates a bond that no initial sexual attraction or romantic infatuation 

could ever hope to match."

"...within marriage, love is not an emotion; it's a policy and a commitment that we choose to keep in the harshest of circumstances. It's something that can be learned and we can grow in" (emphasis added)

Dez and I could identify with the above written statements in our own marriage. Like a lot of people, we thought we will live happily ever after, have children and watch our children go to school, get married and have grandchildren.

The first sign of a potential problem came when I was still pregnant with Charlene. We have differences in our views of raising children. I wanted to bring my child up with Christian teachings and I was concerned that my child will be infused with other religion's teachings instead. Dez insisted that it will be okay. He will send Charlene to church and all, but also allowed her to be exposed to other religions... It's his "democratic" way of dealing with such issues, so that the the child can choose for herself.

Charlene's birth was unexpected (emergency C-section) and her congenital condition and poor prognosis were more than we can handled. And in Dez's despair, he sought prayers from a Christian... and he experienced peace admist the storm. After his experience in Jesus, he made a leap of faith... not to seek healing for Charlene, but because Jesus is a living God.

From that point on, we prayed together, raised Charlene together and served the Lord together.

Because of Charlene's condition, we suffered many heartaches and heartbreaks. Not only are we unable to  see the typical developmental milestones for a baby, we also felt deserted by some people who could not accept Charlene as a special-need kid. They could not empathize with our decision of giving our best to a child who has no earthly hope for the future. And seeing Charlene struggle through her affliction was painful too. However, together with Charlene, we have also overcame many setbacks (Charlene surpassed the expectations of her doctors, she recognized the voices of familiar people, she smiled, she raised her head, she sat by herself etc). We also learnt to deal with disappointments.

In fact, I could have gone back to work after my maternity leave by hiring a maid and leaving Charlene to my in-laws and the maid. But the two of us were adamant to give Charlene the best we could because we knew her life on earth will be short. The accusations and insults we faced from others due to opinion differences (in caring for a child with no earthly hope vs pursuing our own individual happiness and staying faithful to Jesus vs seeking help from other religions) made our marriage even stronger as we stood by each other.

So indeed, love is a commitment that we choose to keep in the harshest of circumstances.

Remember Charlene is in heaven

The niche marble was ready for installation on 21 Jun 13. We chose a pink granite marble that was engraved with Charlene's name, date of birth, date of passing and a bible verse and a photograph. We made our way down to Mandai crematorium despite the haze and watched the person glued the marble to her niche.

We brought Charlene her favourite windmill (which Teacher Adeline gave to her). I used to bring her downstairs for evening walks or to coffeeshops and the windmill would distract her from the surrounding noisy environment. The bouquet of flowers with the carebear that we left after the cremation was still there, though the flowers had withered. We removed the flowers and left the carebear there.

Pastor Cynthia reminded us that Charlene is in heaven. It is a really wonderful place and she won't want to come back. So the niche serves as a remembrance for the living, and not for the dead. And as we remembered Charlene's well-lived life, we will thank God for giving her to us and should seek to live our lives to the fullest. 

Stepping Up (Dez)

When reading through the book "The Sacred Search", I came across this short story which the author quoted from another book "Stepping Up".

It reminded me so much of Charlene last 7 hours with us. My tears couldn't stop flowing when I read through the story.

Here is the extract from the book.
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In his book Stepping up, Dennis Rainey tells the tear-drenched story of how his daughter Rebecca and her husband, Jake, gave birth to a little baby whose brain was almost gone by the time she was born. Little Molly lived just seven days, but in that one love-packed week, she received abundant care, prayers and comfort. Because both Rebecca and Jake come from strong families, two sets of grand-parents were there, praying over little Molly, reading scripture to her, and singing songs of worship along with her parents. Here's how Dennis describes Molly's final moments on earth, when they all knew she was about to die and planned their last goodbyes:

Barbara was first. It was quite a maneuver to make sure all the wires and tubes that were supporting Molly's life didn't get tangled, but finally there she was in her arms. Barbara kept saying how much of an honor it was to hold this little princess of the King. She held her close and cooed words of lover and admiration over her beautiful face. Holding back tears was impossible.

When it was Bill's turn, he stroked her face, tenderly whispered his love for her, and shared his favorite scriptures with her. Pam beamed as she gently rocked Molly and sang "Jesus Loves Me" to her. Both Bill and Pam just held her, kissing her face, holding her little hands, and weeping as they said good-bye.

As Molly was placed in my arms, she felt so warm like every newborn. I tried to sing to her, and I doubt she recognised "Jesus Loves Me" as I choked out a few words through tears.

As his own kids were growing up, Dennis used to tell stories of a fantasyland filled with "Speck people". Dennis always got one of the Speck people into a harrowing dilemma and then said "And you'll have to wait until tomorrow night to hear the rest of the story." He now frequently told these stories to his grandchildren, so Jake asked his father-in-law, Molly's grandfather, to tell her one Speck story before she died.

At first, Dennis protested - he just couldn't. But Jake and Rebecca implored him, which led to this:

I held little Molly, looked into her face, and began my story: "A Speck grandfather and his Speck granddaughter went fishing for tiny Speck fish..." My story was less than sixty seconds long, and when I looked up into Rebecca's face, she had the biggest grin, dimples and all. She was loving the moment.

As I concluded my story, I told Molly, "The Speck grandfather and Speck granddaughter took their fish and ate them, and they they encountered something you would never expect or believe... and you will have to wait until I get to heaven to hear the rest of the story.

At this point I was sobbing, but I got the words out...and Rebecca and Jake started laughing. Rebecca's laughter has always been contagious, and I, too, began to really laugh.

Losing a child is one of the most painful experiences any human can ever know. But the corporate love of four faith-filled grandparents allowed this young mom and dad to actually find laughter and hope in the face of one of life's ugliest realities.

It gets even better: with all the laughter in the room, little Molly's oxygen monitor, which had been at an anemic 80 percent, shot up to 92 percent, then 94,97,98,99 and finally, 100 (emphasis added). That tiny newborn drank in the faith and hope and laughter of her parents and grandparents. Though this was ultimately her last day on earth, I don't doubt that she died knowing she was very loved, and she is no doubt eagerly waiting in heaven to greet first her grandparents, and then her parents, who gave her such a sweet and blessed passing.

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The improved oxygen saturation of little Molly (in bold above) mirrors that of Charlene's situation. After we carried her, her saturation went up and her heart rate improved... despite the change in the ventilator to a less powerful one that would allowed us to carry her.

The short story gave me reassurance that Charlene also drank in our love and Jesus's love for her in that 7 hours.

Thank you God, for giving me and my wife so much assurances.

You give and take away; we will choose to say "Blessed be your name!"

The Sacred Search (Dez)

One of my friends asked me a question: "How do I know whether my girlfriend/ boyfriend is the right gal/guy for marriage?"

I tried to shared my experience with him/her. But I didn't think I managed to give him/her a good response.

The question was on my mind for an entire week. I spoke to my wife, and she gave me her inputs as well.

I decided to get the friend a gift. I not sure why, but I know I wanted to get a book for him/her though no title came to my mind.

And there I found the book during the church camp, when the church committee arranged for a Christian bookshop to set up a stall during lunch time. It was not the first book that I saw. I actually picked up a few books, but they didn't look appropriate, and I put them back after looking at the back cover. When I picked up "The Sacred Search", it felt *right*. The back cover wasn't very informative, but the caption at the front page caught my attention.

"What if it's not about who you marry, but why?"
(Note: The caption can be interpreted in the wrong way, and be skipping the issue. But rest assured, the question and answer starts the book at the right footing. It forms the thread of thought that spans across the book.)

I passed the book to my wife to ask for her opinion, and surprisingly, she gave the book a few glances and she nodded her head. She usually has little to say about books, and she is honest enough to give a shrug when she doesn't have any opinions. So to get a resounding yes from her confirms my choice.

So I bought the book, intending to give it to my friend as a present. Not knowing whether he/she is a book person, i decided to browse through the first few chapters of the book, to digest the central theme, so that maybe i can guide him/her through.

I ended up blazing through the book, from cover to cover, within a single night. It's a damn good book! I couldn't put it down and I just have to finish it.

I won't do the book justice by trying to give a review. I recommend all Christian singles/couples to take a read.

It is not that suitable for non-Christians, because the book was written for Christians in mind, and some non-Christians may have difficulty assimilating the points put forth by the book. As someone who has been a non-Christian in a relationship with a Christian, I can understand what some non-Christian may feel. However, I think it has application values even to non-Christians too.

Friends, if you read the book and wants to talk about it, contact me, heheh... I think i will enjoy the discussion. If you want to borrow the book, let me know too (cos I intend to buy another copy for myself! :P)

16 to 19 Jun (Church camp)

We went with YMM to the church camp at Port Dickson, Malaysia.

It was a great camp. We were greatly blessed during the camp. Praise the Lord!

We will consolidate our thoughts for the camp before we blog it.

The Lift

Just last week, I finished a book "Heaven is for real". The book shared about a boy's testimony of seeing heaven when he was 3.5 years old. Over many conversations for a few years, his parents slowly discovered the things that their son has seen and experienced in heaven.

One of the conversations the boy and his Dad had went like this: 

"Did you have wings?" I (the Dad) asked. 

"Yeah, but mine weren't very big." He looked a little glum when he said this. 

"Okay... did you walk places or did you fly?"

"We flew. Well, all except for Jesus. He was the only one in heaven who didn't have wings. Jesus just went up and down like an elevator." 

The book of Acts flashed into my head, the scene of Jesus' ascension, when Jesus told the disciples that they would be his witnesses, that they would tell people all over the world about him. After he said this, the Scripture says, Jesus "was taken up before their very eyes, and a cloud hid him from their sight. They were looking intently up into the sky as he was going, when suddenly two men dressed in white stood beside them.   "Men of Galilee," they said, "why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven." 

Jesus went up. And will come down. Without wings. To a kid, that could look like an elevator. 

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This morning, my church friend shared with me about her conversation with her 4-year old daughter. The little girl loved Charlene very much and will sayang Charlene everytime she sees Charlene in church. When her mum was talking to the little girl about heaven, the little girl said that Jesus brought Charlene up to heaven like a lift. The mum 'double-checked' by asking "no wings?", and the little girl insisted there were no wings.

Do you see the amazing similarity in perspective between the boy (in the book) and the girl (my church friend's daughter)?

Elevator = Lift!

I believe that God comforts this 4-year old girl by assuring her that Jesus himself has brought Charlene up to heaven. And when my friend told her daughter that my church friend's mother had passed away, the girl  reminded her mother that they (the deceased) will see Charlene. 

Wow, the child-like faith of a 4-year old.

Thank you Jesus for once again reaffirming us that You brought Charlene up to heaven. 

    

Love is ....

The other day I was watching a re-run of a drama 再见单人床 (Pillow Talk). There was this particular scene where a few aunties volunteered to cook some dishes for old people in an elderly home. A priest was there and was asking them what they think love is.

Their responses were found in the passage on love in the Bible:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails.  (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV)

The next scene showed the supporting actress (one of the aunties) asking the priest how could anyone achieve all that was mentioned. She said it was impossible. And the priest honestly confessed that it was difficult even though he has memorised the verses since he was 8. But he said that he had a 'formula' to help himself move closer to achieving it. So she asked him how.

And he said 我的事，我开开心心做。别人的事，我不要生气。
(Doing my own things happily and not be affected/angered by others' matters)

The priest went on to give an analogy to explain to the auntie. He asked her if anyone forced her to come and cook for the elderly. And she said no. She came voluntarily and is happy in doing so. So he said that's doing my own things happily.

Then he asked her what if one old man ate her food and disliked it and stopped eating. Who's matter/business is that? And she was slightly agitated and said of course it's my matter. He doesn't like my cooking! I cooked the whole morning and this is how he show his appreciation? The priest said the old man has the right to eat or don't eat the food. It is his choice, his matter. Why should you be angered by what he does? Also, if you expect the old man to eat your food (behave in the way you expect) in return for your cooking, then your love is conditional.

Many times, our love is conditional.

We thank God for giving Charlene to us. Through taking care of Charlene we learnt more of what unconditional love is and can better appreciate God's unconditional love for us.