The Trauma of Being Alive

Thank you Teacher Ivane for pointing me to this article titled "The Trauma of Being Alive" published in the New York Times.

Some of the opinions expressed by the author resonated with mine.

"Grief needs to be talked about. When it is held too privately it tends to eat away at its own support."
I agree and am grateful to God that I have my husband to talk to though sometimes I also worry if my sadness will affect him. Sometimes I wonder if I should share deeply with friends because I do not know whether they can handle it. 

“Trauma never goes away completely,” “It changes perhaps, softens some with time, but never completely goes away. What makes you think you should be completely over it? 
Totally agree. I don't think I will ever forget Charlene or stop missing her. I still think of her very often. Sometimes I feel really sad that she is no longer around. But other times, I would recall fondly the times I had with my cheeky and happy Charlene.

In resisting trauma and in defending ourselves from feeling its full impact, we deprive ourselves of its truth. As a therapist, I can testify to how difficult it can be to acknowledge one’s distress and to admit one’s vulnerability. My mother’s knee-jerk reaction, “Shouldn’t I be over this by now?” is very common. There is a rush to normal in many of us that closes us off, not only to the depth of our own suffering but also, as a consequence, to the suffering of others. 

Indeed, many of us do not know how to handle grief and also to show concern and support to those around us who are grieving. Even I can go into my auto mode of wanting to sms "how are you?" which is a rhetorical question.

Thus, I really appreciate many who are keeping us in prayers and have us in your thoughts.

Mourning, however, has no timetable. Grief is not the same for everyone. And it does not always go away. The closest one can find to a consensus about it among today’s therapists is the conviction that the healthiest way to deal with trauma is to lean into it, rather than try to keep it at bay. The reflexive rush to normal is counterproductive. In the attempt to fit in, to be normal, the traumatized person (and this is most of us) feels estranged.

What we have learnt is that the pain of losing a loved one never really goes away... The individual really requires constant support from people. Often, these "people" cannot be just a single source, but it should come from various groups, be it families, friends or church friends. For Christians, the most important source of support is Jesus Christ, who have went through the human conditions and knows how we feel.

The willingness to face traumas — be they large, small, primitive or fresh — is the key to healing from them. They may never disappear in the way we think they should, but maybe they don’t need to. Trauma is an ineradicable aspect of life. We are human as a result of it, not in spite of it.

Life. Growing Old. Sickness. Death. They are part of life. Hence, so is trauma. However, for us who believes in Jesus, we have hope that Charlene, Dez and I can spend our eternal lives together with Jesus in heaven, without sickness and death. 

Indeed, this is an important source of comfort for us Christians. That all the pain and suffering we have encountered on earth is for a greater purpose, and that heaven will be our final destination.