365 days later - Dez

Tomorrow is Charlene's first death anniversary.

Memories

My wife and I missed her. Her cheeky smiles, her warmth while we carried her, her complaints as we made her do exercise...

Sometimes we are reminded of her when we are around the places we had brought her. Sometimes we are reminded of her when we see other kids. Sometimes, the memories of her just hit us out of nowhere.

When we remembered her, sometimes we laugh at the things we have done with her. Sometimes, our tears flowed freely. Sometimes, we blame ourselves for not taking better care of her.

We have learnt that those emotions accompanying her memories... are part of our memory of Charlene. I learnt not to deny those emotions.

As long as we can live a functional life, even having those emotions sometimes are okay.

My fear is that there will come a day when my emotions are dulled so much that I forget her. It's such a fine balance... being able to control these emotions without it affecting our lives too much. And also not letting our current lives washing away the memories away.

Apologies

To those who have followed the blog (and is still reading this), my apologies for the lack of updates.

I noticed that there was a trend for me to keep thinking about the past events with Charlene. I am worried that if I write about the past events, it paints the impression that we are constantly looking back.

We have moved forward in our lives. Not that we have moved away from Charlene... but that Charlene has become part of our lives. She has changed us in how we see things, respond to people, and how we view life.

I cannot promise that I will still be able to update the blog frequently. But I can promise that the blog will be a place for us to write and for you to read about our thoughts and feelings on Charlene or on things related to Charlene.

Memorial

I brought my parents to Mandai columbarium this morning. My mother bought a sunflower and we placed it at the niche.

I think the sunflower is an appropriate representation of Charlene's life. Her smile reminds me of the sunflower... bright, infectious and sunny.

Around noon, my wife and I went with Aud & Milie to the niche. We are appreciative of their effort to come down.

365 days

My wife and I had been mainly busy with work and church activities in the past year. We have also tried our best to maintain contact with the friends in the special needs children network.

Without Charlene, life may be more simple... but without her, life is also more dull.

But we have received signs that Charlene is in heaven and we believe that she's in a better place. Her parents who is still on earth will need to do God's work, and we will do our little angel proud.

3.5 years

During a sermon, I noted that Jesus's earthly ministry was 3.5 years.

Charlene's life was also 3.5 years.

I prayed that her impact on the people around her, could spur others to be a blessing to more people. Much like what Jesus instructed his disciples to do.

It was the best decision ever

It was the best decision ever to be a stay at-home mum to take care of Charlene.

Recently at work, I have been teaching about how rational human beings make decisions by weighing benefits and costs.

4 years ago, I made the decision to take no-pay leave to care for Charlene. My mum, my aunts and my ex-colleagues could not comprehend my actions. To them, I am irrational and have not made the right decision. Because I gave up on my job (and thus my salary) to take care of a special child (who in their opinion do not have a future). They think that the most obvious solution is to hire a maid to care for Charlene so that we do not have to grapple with finances and I do not have to be burdened with caring for Charlene.

Indeed, it was tough caring for Charlene. But the benefits cannot be easily measured in monetary value. The joy of seeing Charlene achieve every little thing; smile, kick, hold her head etc etc.... and also the things she has taught me are invaluable.

Sometimes, when I don't know whether what I am doing makes any difference to this world now, I miss Charlene so badly.

I know I have made a difference to her life and she has made a difference to my life and many other people's lives!

I am so glad that I made the best decision ever. To have cared for Charlene for that 3.5 years was something I have never regretted. I wish I could still have her but as much as I miss her, I know that my little angel Charlene is happily with Jesus in heaven.